My Modern Philosophy

Everything I know about life, based on nothing in particular.

I have never claimed to be a philosopher, mainly because philosophers wear black turtlenecks, sit in cafés, and say things like “being is nothingness,” whereas I wear t-shirts, sit in traffic, and say things like “Stop tailgating me, brainiac.”

Still, after years of observing human behavior, commercials about moderate-to-severe plaque psoriasis, and people who insist on giving advice while actively destroying their own lives, I have arrived at several profound truths about life, none of which involve operating heavy machinery.

They may not reveal the meaning of life, but they do explain why you should always read the fine print: